The last day

I've been in a foul mood all day. I'm not really sure what it is - I woke up weary.

The house is looking a bit of a bomb site - I've been conscious that I go in to work tomorrow to prepare for a presentation I have to give on Tuesday, then as of next week I'll be working three days a week - so I've probably been letting it slip.

I spent the morning tidying up - the baby's room was terrible as it seems she has had another mini growth spurt and she could now reach the books in her bookshelf, on her bookshelf and on the bedside table and pull them in to her cot. The spare room is full of drying/dry/unsorted/folded clothes. Our room has parts of my wardrobe all over it as I sort my clothes in to 'what I can fit in to' and 'what I should be able to fit in to but can't because I am just eating lots of crap all the time'.

After her nap, I got her ready to head out to buy some balloons to remember the birthdays of the two babies from my mothers group who passed away. And while I was getting her ready, I sneezed. And she cracked up. So we played 'pretend sneezing' just so I could hear that delightful noise. And I leaned in close to her and asked her how she had enjoyed the past year, at home with me. And she pushed me in the face.

So that was that.

She has become easier to look after though. I think I've been spending the past few days stressing about how things are just going to get 'harder' as I expect I'll need to keep the house to standard, keep her and the husband and I fed and just generally 'sorted' (I seem to do more sorting/planning than I realised), and then fit in 0.7 of a full time job. But the husband pointed out that she's not that 'hard' to look after now. Which is true.

She's happy enough to sit and play. She'll take you by the hand and walk you to the bike we bought her for her birthday when she wants to sit in it and just be pushed back and forth. She eats well (and shows you when she wants what you are eating that she shouldn't really have but how can you resist her when she is showing you how clearly she wants it).

Today she might have said 'hat' and 'bath'. Though I'm probably not going to get to see this develop as much as I would have otherwise, what with my time now going to work to.

Or perhaps I'll notice it more and appreciate it more.

(She also might have hand, foot and mouth, on top of mild croup and some nappy rash. Nice one, mum).

Ten days with no post...

... and I wanted to pop back and let you know what's going on.

I started this to get my brain going and keep it moving during those early days of being a mum. I started to write it for me, so I had something to focus on each day, something to accomplish, something to keep me going and something that I knew I could look back on one day and remember what it was all like.

Somewhere along the line, it turned it to it being something I was writing for the baby. Something to show her what her life was like during the days that neither of us will remember in much detail.

I return to work part time next week, and I've been slowly preparing to drop back in to the 'real' world. I'll be juggling work, as well as housework, cooking and mad variety of tasks that make up the collective of 'mother' (What will she eat? What will she wear? where are those socks? Is she unwell? What did she say? When did her hair get so long?).

My intention is to keep updating, but it won't be every day.

Thank you for sharing in the little details that made this journey what it was - now let's all take a load off and see where it takes us next.

Still daddy's girl

I had my second day at work today, another fairly long day of training in preparation for the new job I will commence in August.

The husband stayed home to look after the baby, also giving my dad a bit of a break before he returns tomorrow. Again, she behaved really well.

They both came to pick me up at the end of the day (they had dropped me off so we didn't have to worry about parking) and I was very happy to see her smiley in the car. As soon as we got home, I jumped out of the car to unclip her and give her a hug.

She looked at me, looked at the husband, then put her arms out for him to take her.

On the one hand, yeah, it stung. I have been home for over a year now, caring for her. I have spent day in and day out looking after her every need, forsaking a lot of professional and personal interaction, and brain power (and salary!).

But, on the other, I guess it's great that she was so happy to have a day without me, and even greater that it was with her daddy.

Pa's day out

Today was the first day my dad/the baby's Pa looked after her for a day, while I went back to work for a few days.

We had a practice last week, so he was prepped for the day.

She was very well behaved!

She had two naps, she ate all her morning and afternoon tea, she ate most of her lunch, and she was happy and played and seemingly loved his company. She didn't cry at all.

I got lots of messages during the day, which I really liked. It was good to know what was going back on at home without me, and also good to hear how much dad was enjoying it (he gave his day 10/10!).

It really couldn't have gone better.

Yes?

At family dinner tonight, I think we got the baby's next new work - "Yes!".

She was in a funny mood - overtired and a bit emotional, swinging from extreme chirpiness to adorableness to sadness to hilarity (apparantly shaking one of her cousins rattle toys is just THE funniest thing) to whinginess (which included cuddles from her, also new).

She was loitering as we ate dinner, taking turns in the husbands lap, my lap and the floor. She would point to my water with a "that" and then smile as I brought it to her mouth for a drink/to spit some on my lap. When she pointed to the glass we would ask "Water? Do you want this? Water? Yes? Yes please?" to try and get some consistent response from her, when it sounded like she replied "Yes!".

The husband and I looked at each other, to check we had each heard it.

The sister in law got a drink and the baby turned to it, pointing "that".

"That's my water", she said, "Would you like some?"

"Yes!"

I think all our jaws dropped on that one!

I hope it sticks around - should make communicating a fair bit easier!

Blip blip, split lip

The baby got totally spoilt. As well as the scooter trike that we bought her, she got four other trikes. FOUR.

I had her sitting on the pink and purple one that my parents bought her, pushing her in laps around the kitche and family room, one hand on the handlebars, one hand on her back.

We stopped and she sat happily on the trike, so happy she started to bounce up and down with her massive grin. I reached for my phone to take a picture for my parents, and that's when she knocked the handlebar which shifted the centre of the bike so she landed flat on her face on the hardwood floor.

And the tears. Oh my.

And then? The blood. Oh.... my.

The husband took turns giving her cuddles and kisses and googling to find out if this was something we needed to take her to hospital for. She wasn't letting us look in her mouth, or put ice on her already swollen top lip.

She stopped crying after a few minutes, and started chewing on a crust of bread, so she was fine.

Me? Not so much.

Tonight, in the bath, I got a quick look, and it's like she has a blood blister or a mark inside her lip, and a little scratch on the outside. Her tooth doesn't look crooked like the husband first fears, but her gum is a bit red. I will definitely be keeping an eye on that.

And I think I'll only be putting her on the trike that we bought her, that we can harness her in to.

Dear Baby - one year old

Dear baby,

I wasn't sure what I was going to write to you tonight, but then I read back through all of the monthly letters I had written you and I nearly cried...

You have just grown so much. You have grown and grown and grown, from a grizzling, grumbling, bleating little needy thing to my gorgeous, smiley, spirited girl.

You are my daughter. You are not a baby. But you are my baby.

We started the day off by bringing you in to our bed to open your presents. When I was a kid, we would always do presents first thing in the day, crowded around mum and dads bed in our pyjamas at some obscene hour. Daddy's family does presents at the end of the day, after dinner and cake. I think I'm going to push for my way - I couldn't imagine a better way to start the day!

You got some alphablocks, a book and a trike from us. You got a tutu, a hat and some gloves from one of the special mums in our mothers group. You got a bath toy that blows bubbles and lights up and sings and pretty does everything imaginable from one of daddy's aunties.

You ate all your breakfast (and some of mine), then you played in the loungeroom while daddy assembled your bike, then he took you for a spin through the kitchen. You went down for a nap, and when you woke up 45 minutes later the house was full of people and you cried. You cried on and off for 10 minutes until daddy took you back to our room to chill a little and just regroup, and then when you returned you were back to your superstar self.

You were passed along, you ate party foods, you wore an adorable outfit and headband, and you played with your mothers group friends in the loungeroom. You watched us blow out the candle on your cake (that caused me no end of heartache when it was crumbling everywhere and not wanting to be iced at 11:30 last night) and you watched the older kids beat up the pinata (which scared you a little). You were meant to have  a nap after your party, but we think you sat quietly in your bed for half an hour because when you were eating dinner later tonight, you kept resting your head down on the tray - we've never seen that before!

You opened a few presents with me, then gave up and let me do the rest as you clung to daddy. You ate all your dinner (cheese stick, peas, corn, capsicum, a piece of bread with egg in the middle, a fruit cup and a yoghurt), then daddy gave you a bath. I read your book that we bought you (twice!) and then you went to bed - you were unsettled, but daddy went in and hugged you to sleep.

There's so much to say, and I don't know where to start or how to say it.

You're adorable. You're happy and cheery, even when you're grumpy. You're cheeky as you pull all the DVD's out of the shelf, as you feed your dinner to the dogs, as you pull your socks and shoes and bibs and hats off. You laugh when we laugh, you cough for sympathy, you crinkle your face up after you sneeze.

You're cuddly, but you're also independent. You're brave, but you're also cautious for little things - you don't like balloons, or the dinosaur ball popper, or AFL footballs. You love to have your hair brushed, and we saw you scratching your own head with a wii remote this evening.

You clap in a fun way, and now in the proper way. You blow back when we blow softly over your face. You whistle. You imitate the noises I make to you. You stick out your tongue when I do the same if I find a poopy nappy. You crawl with intent. You love to hold fingers and walk and walk and walk, and you know to pause next to the couch in the family room so that I can open the sliding door so we can continue on our way. You come down the hall with me to make the bed each morning, and you sit in front of the mirror taking my bangles out of a shoebox and then putting them back in.

You've changed me as a person. You have taught me I am more patient than I ever thought I would be. That I have the ability to overcome the pain of childbirth, the tiredness of helping you learn to live, and the stress of all of the 'what if's'. I fed you for almost a year, and it went so much better than I had thought. My hips and butt have changed in structure, my knees are terrible and my stomach is nothing like it used to be (or anywhere near what it could have been), all because of you. But I wouldn't trade it back for the world.

I walked down the hallway after you this morning, and watched from the doorway as you crawled over to one of the stools in the kitchen. I leant my head against the wall and watched you and realised how cheesy I felt to be doing something out of a terrible movie. But then the gravity of the fact that you are growing really hit me. And then you turned and saw me. And you smiled as you realised I was watching. Then you waved, got down to your knees and just kept on moving.

You've made me, in the same way I made you.

Happy birthday, gorgeous girl. I can't wait to see what this next year brings.

"... all new parents are lame..."

I read this article the other day in Jezebel, and I just wanted to stick it here for future reference - so much of it rings true (as I highlighted in italics)!

Yes, All New Parents Are Lame and Selfish, But C’mon, Man
Tracy Moore

I always thought I was pretty cool, to be honest. But then I had a baby and suddenly was filled with earnestness, concerns about chemicals and safety hazards, a newfound interest in organic foods and a desire to experience conflict resolution. 

In other words, I got pretty lame for a minute. If cool is defined by a certain lack of caring tinged with bits of nihilism and scoffing — always the scoffing — then I became the most deeply caring, meaning-finding optimist you ever did see. I am like a walking Celine Dion record. 

And I embrace it. Nonetheless, I am always hearing how hard it is for childless people to deal with their new-parent friends and the realities of schedules, attention-deficit and all-around friendships taking a dive. You know, 'cause you're different now, you're distracted now, you don't get all gussied up and hit the town like you used to. Your alcohol tolerance is for shit and you're not even fun anymore. 

But now all I can think is, duuuuhh, it's definitely harder for the person with the baby? I mean, sure, it's hard to lose out on a friendship and have a person go in a different direction when you had a thing going — I get it; that has happened to me. But that can't possibly hold a candle to the thing with the baby where you have to actually keep it alive and stuff? And all the caring? It's so much caring. 

And yet, these antagonistic feelings about new parents persist. Is it because we are Ghosts of Your Future that you childless people aren't ready to face? Is it our lack of hygiene? Is it the Toms? (They are so comfortable!) Is it our hypocrisy? It's true, now I won't ever buy fruit that isn't organic, but before the baby I was practically eating gas station burritos every day.
But here I am! I've jumped to the other side. And here are some things you (and I) used to think about new parents that aren't even fair or true, and we both know it. 

"New parents are selfish." Sure, I'll bite. Having a baby is selfish, it's true — it's literally a forced externalization in human form of yourself. But there are so many ways to copy yourself for more instant gratification that are cheaper and probably more satisfying if being replicated is what you're after, like buying a Real Doll with your exact style of pubic hair, or becoming famous. 

If it's selfish to have a baby, what exactly is the payoff? It's one hell of a long-ass con where in exchange for not killing something you get no guarantees that it won't one day write a memoir about you. Plus, it's a form of being a good ancestor to produce a good person. True, it's not the only way to be a good ancestor — you can invent things or just be really nice to homeless people. But having a baby is definitely the most efficient way to earn karma points, because if you just pop out a baby and do nothing and it becomes a social worker, you have already won. Doing nothing good or making a bad person, however, is negative karma for all possible lives. Mama needs some snake eyes! 

Also: Not having a baby is totally selfish, too! Because you don't make any new yous to keep paying for stuff and shouldering the cost or whatever. You know, like the whole giant oneness thing. You're just a big old taker. Hope you solve the financial crisis or something, gaahhhh. 

"People with babies are a pile of bullshit excuses." I'll have you know I was a veritable treasure trove of excuses before I ever thought of conceiving. But true, having a baby is a get-out-of-social-jail card for practically any event that runs late or, hell, runs at all. So is a pet. But in exchange for this built-in bail you get two decades of never actually being able to cut loose for real again. Fair trade? You decide. Most people use that card wisely, knowing that pretending your kid is sick just ain't worth the weird karma it generates. 

"People who have babies immediately become lame." If by lame you mean no longer down to party in the spontaneous sense, then yes, Lamesville coincides with becoming a parent. But this finger-point of a playground insult ceases to mean much when your choices are now basically "be cool" vs. "parental neglect." One of the lamest things I've ever seen is a parent trying super hard to be considered still with-it. "Yeah I just had a kid, or whatever, but at least I can still get it together to listen to some chillwave." Yes, the fact that I just namechecked chillwave a year late only proves how lame I am, too, and I couldn't be happier about it. 

"Parents are always saying they are tired but, come on, they are not that tired." Tired is relative — granted. But baby tired is a kind of eye-bleeding, crazy-tired that you can never really actually opt out of. Not really. Sure, someone can take a kid off your hands for a day, but 'tis a brief respite. Other kinds of tired seem to have built-in exit doors that actually open when things reach a critical mass, whereas having a baby is like a faux mural that looks like an exit door but when you try to hit that bar thingy to go outside, it just laughs at you. 

"Parents change immediately when they have a baby." Childless people are all, "I know she had a baby, but isn't she still supposed to be her own person with an actual identity?" Sorry, hon. No, she isn't. Not really. At least, not for a hot minute. It's taken me two whole years to feel basically like myself again due to breeding, and by "myself" I mean somewhere in between a sea lion and a sloth. 

Having a kid is such a huge, monumental gut-punch of an experience, so what would actually be weirder is popping out your baby and going on Facebook talking about how the same you are. I call bullshit on that shit. How can anyone not be totally utterly changed by parenting? It's impossible for me to not see parenting as transformative, both because I can no longer wear my old shoes but also because I now feel like a gently undulating walrus with a muffin top. 

"All new parents can talk about is their kid." If you're not thinking about your kid constantly right after you have it, call social services. You're doing it wrong. If someone talking about Fifty Shades of Grey is more interesting than an entirely new person you just made, well then I just don't know what. Moreover, keeping a new baby alive trumps all friend's haircuts. And in extreme cases, it also trumps everything but maybe 10 minutes of a breakup story. 

"Parents aren't funny anymore." Well, OK. Listen, I admit it. There were jokes I probably thought were funny when I was childless that make my heart actually wince now. It's a strange, strange thing. I also wouldn't change this new open-heartedness for all the laughs in the world. It happens to you for a reason, and it is good. There will always be enough people in the world for whom nothing is off limits, which is also good, but those of us who have crossed over to the soft side will just have to hold up the pillows.

Hips - one year check up

We had the 12 month checkup on the baby's hips today.

She was nice and still for the xray, which was handy as the husband was at work so it was just me. Old habits die hard, and she just wanted to grab her feet and stick her butt up in the air (like she did in the harness), but the girl operating the machine took it pretty well.

The appointment with the surgeon was very quick. He put the xrays up on the wall and showed us that the socket joints are both in the right place, which is good. He drew all the angles and showed us that her left hip is still on 30 degrees (the same as it was in Feb) and her right hip is also on 30 degrees (it was 40 in Feb).

We will have another xray in 12 months time (no mention of an 18 week scan and night bracing (which is awesome!) but we wonder if we should have brought that up with him). He is hoping that her angles will be at 20 when she is 2 years old. If they are at 30 at 2 years old, she has a 50/50 chance of having normally developed hips as adult, so we would continue to monitor it before considering surgery.

Very glad to have that over and done with for a whole year, though already secretly dreading how that appointment will go, and what results it might bring. He noted that she is moving well, which seems to be a good thing, and he said that it could be that everything is fine but that the ossification is taking longer than average because she had the dysplasia - fingers crossed that that's all it is.

Pa daycare

The baby and I spent the day with her Pa, practicing for his first full day running 'Pa daycare' next week. We stopped past his work, we had lunch with my mum, went to Costco, and came home. He got to open and close the pram, get her after her nap, feed he afternoon tea, play a bit, and change a dirty nappy.

I warned him not to expect to get a lot done - my main worry being that a day of doing 'nothing' can be harder than you expect. He stated that as long as she doesn't cry all day, then it will be a success - even tears for half the day is half a win!

I'm sure it is all going to go fine, and I feel good knowing that he is there to be able to do it, and also that he is keen (at this stage!).

'That'

I'm pretty sure 'that' is her new next word (after quite a lull!).

She is pointing at everything. I find myself wondering what the fireplace pipe is actually called, and whether talking about the monkey in the pictures in her bedroom will teach her the wrong word for 'picture'.

But you walk her around the house and she's makes the same noise: 'da-t' (with an adorable little 't' noise at the end after a pause).

I did think she said 'bird' and 'water' as well today (after I'd said them to her), but neither were repeated. And most of the time she kept pointing to her water today, she was making a noise like 'anya'.

Pretty exciting to see these develop - I wonder when the point will come that I can say words and she will try to repeat the noises?

Icecream

We hosted family tea tonight - pies/veg rolls, roast veggies and mini magnums for dessert.

The baby has made a remarkable comeback from her terrible mood week and was being delightful. She was in no rush for her dinner and was happy to crawl around and up on laps and down again while we ate.

Then it was time for dessert.

She was super keen on the husband's icecream, eyeing it off an opening her mouth each time he raised it to his own, so I conned him in to giving her a taste. And she loved it.

We all thought she'd give up on it once he finished, but as soon as she realised it was all gone, she turned her eyes to me, pointing at my (still unfinished) icecream.

So, she's got her head around things being same. And also how to be adorable and get what she wants!

Daddy's girl

With the husband taking Fridays off work to care for the baby, she's had a weekend full of daddy time.

And she has loved it.

While there has been times where the husband has felt frustrated at not being able to comfort her when she only wanted me, he is seeing the other side of the pendulum. If she sees him, she reaches out for him. If he leaves the room, she whimpers. If he's within reach, she's near him or on him or crawling to him or in his arms or clinging to his trousers.

It's adorable and really, really lovely to see.