Baby brain

Urgh.

I went to do my tax online today (nothing like last minute!) and was plugging all the data in to the website after remembering exactly where I needed to go.

I thought it was odd that it needed me to enter more info on the husband's data.

And that it was all online this year, rather than needing to download that crappy software.

And that they offered a service for $60 where you can get accountants to check it before it is submitted.

And then I realised I had just entered a buttload of our personal data in to some random website that was definitely not the etax website.

Here's hoping we don't get our identities stolen/bank accounts emptied thanks to my stupid baby brain.

Urgh.

Fatigue

One of the ladies in one of the online mothers groups I'm in posted some nformation from a journal article the other day.

Here is an extract that I found really interesting (my own bolding):

Together, the repetitive work of managing a household and caring for an infant cannot be
completed by one person. Nevertheless, the prevailing stereotype is that only paid employment is defined as work. Many women seek to assume the increased workload singlehanded and to spare their partners who are ‘working’. Severe exhaustion in mothers of newborns is not named as occupational fatigue, perhaps because of pejorative stereotypes that label them as‘not working’ or ‘stay-at-home’. These stereotypes mean also that the domestic setting is not conceptualised or named as a workplace and consequently does not benefit from considerations of occupational safety, including responsibility for managing worker fatigue. Infant care is far more time-consuming than can be imagined and all other household activities are slower and
more difficult to complete when caring simultaneously for a baby. It is not accurate to define the times when an infant is asleep as spare time, not only because there are invariably other household tasks to complete but also because there is no true freedom either to rest or to pursue leisure activities because of the essential primary responsibility for the baby. The tasks do not remit on weekends and, in general, women have much less leisure than had been anticipated. In the absence of a clear evidence-base to management of fatigue, it can be normalised, or responded to with advice that might be unproven, ineffective and difficult to implement including ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ or ‘get more help’. 

Fatigue has been regarded as symptomatic of depression, but an alternative view is that it arises because the unpaid workload of mothering a newborn, especially one with unsettled behaviours, is severely underestimated.

Spot on!

The tiredness and the time-suck are two things I couldn't really have any idea about. Pregnancy tiredness is so different (and no less real) than post-baby tiredness. I'm not that 'tired' that often, but I've definitely felt fatigued, and still do (at least once a week!).

And as involved as the husband is, I don't think he has a real understanding/appreciation for what the days are actually like around here.

It's definitely something that I'll remember for all the mums I meet - more admiration for those with older and/or multiple kids, and more proactive understanding for those who will be having children in the future!

Little hands

I'm sure you've all seen footage or pictures of breastfeeding babies, little hands wandering everywhere.

I'm going to be honest and say that I always found that a little creepy. But then, it's pretty clear that I had very little idea of what breastfeeding would actually be like. I think I'm worse than the husband when it comes to seeing others feed - how much is the right amount to look and how much is too much/not enough?

I know it's not creepy. Except when they're old enough to ask for it - that still seems creepy (I guess we'll see if my opinion changes as baby gets older? I hope it doesn't...).

Anyway.

My point is, I love baby's little wondering hands. It shows me that she's 'present in what's happening. Mainly she just runs her hand back and forth along my tshirt, and in my head she's singing 'thank you, thank you! Nice work, mummy!'. Or she's rustling the other breastpad so that the husband rolls over in bed to try to work out what that noise could possibly be - I like that two ways, because it shows she's getting more coordinated, but also that she's a little bit cheeky.

Folds

Baby had a weigh in yesterday at 16 weeks - she's 62cm long and 6.7kg. This nurse said she was growing beautifully - I'm glad they don't seem to be worried about her growth anymore.

And then.

The nurse pointed out that the fat folds in baby's thighs are not even - one leg has an extra 'v' of fat in it. And this is an actual medical thing.

An imbalance in the thigh fat on a baby can indicate hip displaysia. Luckily, it's not the most accurate indicator, and it's only recent, so I don't think we have much to worry about.

We have an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday to see what she thinks - if they're concerned, baby will get her first ultrasound. The nurse who found the folds said that doctors often think that they are over-reacting, but it's better to catch it sooner rather than later - if she has got some displaysia, she'd be in a brace for a while.

Fingers crossed it's nothing but my predisposition for hypochondria!

Napping

Yesterday was the first time I really noticed the impact of the baby not having a nap.

We're still in a pretty good pattern most nights - she'll go down at about midnight after a feed in bed, sleep through until somewhere between 5:30 and 8:00, then feed and nap until sometime between 9:00 and 12:00. I think she has an afternoon nap in her bassinet most days, but there is usually also at least one nap on either the husband or I.

I'm in my second last week of mothers group, so after a 6:30 feed, baby was awake again at 9:00 (from all the moving around the room, I think). We headed to mothers group (starting at 9:30) and she fed during the group and sat happily.

I met a work friend for lunch - which was great! The baby napped for about 20 minutes... and then.... cried. Unless she was being held. Making it a bit hard to get out of the shops steering the pram one handed, and cutting short my plan to pick up a gift for the 1st birthday party I'm going to on the weekend.

It wasn't little cry either - it was full on trembling lips, sad pouts and tears.

And then she cried until I started feeding her.

And cried after I fed her.

And cried when I had to put her down to change her, to go to the bathroom myself, to let the homeshop delivery man in.

She just wanted to be held - so she finally napped for 2-3 hours, laying on me.

I am glad she's a morning napper, that works best for me and sleeping in. But I think the majority of mums/babies are lunch nappers, meaning there's going to be stuff on in the mornings.

Damn.

Magic eye

Baby has been rubbing her eyes. Initially, I thought it was because of the sniffles she had, that she was congested in the head and didn't understand, but now I think it could be something more.

I told the husband about the recommendation to squirt breast milk in to her eyes, and he laughed and didn't realise it was an actual healing thing.

I've only done it late last night and once this morning - it's not easy! I mean, it's a little moving target and not the easiest thing to aim with... that and she keeps opening her mouth to feed. Poor confused thing.

If it's any worse/still there at the end of the week, we might have to book in baby's first doctors appointment.

Coast trip

We had a wonderful time down the coast.

It was so nice to be in warmer weather, without the pressure of housework/gardening hanging over our heads.

The baby slept most of the drive there, and only kicked up about 30 minutes of fuss as we got closer.

She slept 6 hours and then another 6 hours on the first night, then went 11 hours between feeds on the second - I think I got 8 hours sleep that night!

We went to the beach and she put her toes in the sand and the water - I wouldn't say she loved it, but she didn't hate it either.

We ate breakfast at cafes, lazed around the house, had takeaway dinners and just enjoyed being away from it all.

The husband commented that we should do stuff like that more often (he wasn't that excited about going away!), and I think he's right. We have to make the time to have these lazy types of days.

Anniversary

We're off to the coast for two nights this afternoon.

It's meant to be rainy and almost 10 degrees cooler there.

Fingers crossed the weatherman is wrong and we can capture baby's first trip to the beach.

Dressed up

I gotta tell you - the baby is acting totally smiley and adorable at the moment. Like all week.

And THEN I put her in a DRESS and she is MORE than TWICE as cute.

It's really quite magical!

Bright sides

Part of making the days more enjoyable is making sure to look at the bright side of things.

So when the baby vom's on my jeans at mothers group before I meet work friends for lunch? Hey! At least you can't tell.

And when she drools all over her bib and then I realise I took the spare one out of the bag (for some unknown reason) earlier that morning? Hey! Let's just buy another one.

And when she has also vom'd on her onesie? Hey! It's a great excuse to go to Target and buy a new dress for the lovely summer weather!

Fingers crossed that sending a phone pic of her smiling in said dress is compensation enough that he doesn't think to ask if it's a new dress...

Blocks

My day is broken up in to two hour blocks.

Feeding and changing baby typically takes an hour (although of late, closer to 30-45 mins). She feeds every three hours (my baby SO smart she knows three hours down to the minute, and very kindly and sweetly alerts me to the fact), so I have up to 2.5 hours to fill.

It always starts with entertaining the baby, then getting her to sleep and in to the bassinet. Then 'free time'.

This morning, I had 45 minutes to fill - I got to hang out a load of washing, wash the bird feeders, feed the inside and outside birds, put away the dishes and do a spot of vacuuming before breakfast. Baby looked like she'd be sleeping for a bit longer so I spent 30 minutes effing around with savory pikelets that kept sticking and not cooking. Then baby woke up after I'd chucked out 12 stuffed pikelets, so I binned the rest of the batter and had cereal.

My second round of free time allowed me to do the washing up, put away some folding, bring in the bins and the mail, and prep as much as I could for dinner tonight.

My third round of free time today? I'm choosing to hold the baby as I type this and watch tv, sneaking peeks at her sleeping with her tiny angel mouth hanging open. Pretty cute.

Hugs for daddy

I'm not the only one who found last week to be a particularly good week.

Typically, we juggle the baby back and forth during the day on weekends, and don't worry to much about actually putting her down to sleep.

But more than once this weekend, when I offered to take the baby to put her to bed, or to let him do something else, he refused. And he actually said 'you get to hold the baby all week'.

Get to.

Look how far we've come.

Just for me

At family dinner last week, the baby was a little tired. Not grumpy or pouty, but just in her post-feed daze and ready for a nap.

She was sitting on her Nana and staring in to the space between her nose and the rest of the family.

But when she'd look at me, she'd smile.

And she'd look away and look back and smile.

Just for me.

That was really nice.

Slightly up

Baby had her 14 week weigh in on Thursday.

I was a little worried about it (after last weeks performance), but she hadn't seemed unhappy - the screeching of the last week had stopped.

She put on roughly 350g this fortnight (and peed ALL OVER the scales. Like crazy amounts of wee. Which made her very happy).

The nurse noted that I'm going in for surgery next month, and we talked about how I can keep my supply up. She mentioned that I might want to eat more because I'll be fasting before surgery. I told her I plan to stock our freezer full of milk between now and then so that the husband can feed her while I'm in there all day and overnight. She pointed out that by then we'll be able to have started the baby on solids and could even give her water in a bottle.

I explained that I have been calorie counting, sticking to roughly 1700 calories a day. She asked why and I explained that I wanted to be able to fit back in to my clothes. She asked if I was hungry because it was important to eat, and I explained that I'm eating a lot better than I used to - definitely more greens, protein and beans (less white bread and hot chips). She said the most important thing is that I eat properly and look after myself so that my baby can eat properly and be healthy. I told her if it was compromising her health, then I would stop.

In retrospect, that week of crying probably was linked to the change in diet - I was only on 1200-1400 calories a day at that stage. In the last week of 1700 a day I lost 1kg; in my week of 1200-1400 I lost 400g.

Wouldn't it be funny to have to eat junk food just to make my baby healthier....!

Ideas

A friend recommended Pregnant Chicken - and I love it.

The first night I clicked it, the stop story was this one - My baby won't stop crying.

It's a really good look at what is a really big deal, and is really informative on the 'Period of Purple Crying' that I'd not heard of. And this awesome suggestion for dealing with a crying baby:

Draw a moustache with eyeliner on your baby's upper lip so they look like an angry dandy while they cry.

I am hoping that just the thought of this will be enough to sustain me from actually doing it next time the baby is a little tired and emotional.

Forecast

Friends of ours had their baby 3.5 weeks ahead of ours.

Not only is it exciting to catch up with them because their baby is adorable, but it also gives us some insight in to what to expect in the upcoming weeks.

Potentially, in a month or so, our baby could be:

• holding her own toys
• wanting to be held upright more
• waking up more often during the night, but having a longer 'night' sleep
• wanting to be walked around more.

Questions

It's silly to ask her, but I do often find myself asking the baby 'do you love mummy?'.

I mean, it's not like she's able to tell me either way. And it only causes me to doubt myself/her.

Chitter Chatter

I was getting ready to head out over the weekend, and the husband was perched next to the baby, who was laying on her feeding mat on the bed.

"Mummy doesn't talk to you much, does she?" he chattered at her.

This wasn't meant to be insulting or hurtful in anyway, I had pointed out earlier in the day that I don't think I talk to her enough.

"Daddy doesn't do anything with you but talk to you!" he continued.

That night, my parents were looking after the baby so that we could head out to celebrate another birthday (hooray for having enough milk!!!) (and hooray for having parents who were willing/able to look after her for the night at short notice!!!).

They were both talking to her - cooing, agreeing, questioning and celebrating - and she loved it, smiling and cooing.

I still do worry that I'm not as bonded as I should be?

As the husband said, "there's no sooner day than tomorrow".

I am going to make more of an effort to talk to my daughter. I will talk more to my daughter.

Air (Milk) Supply

I've spent most of the last week stressing out that my milk is drying up - ever since the nurse pointed out that her weight gain wasn't as good as it had been. And then when I tried to express, I was getting a lot less. And then when I read/heard that not eating enough could reduce your milk.

Even though I knew there was a time that my milk was supposed to settle.

Even though I knew that there would be a time around week 13 when I thought that my milk would dry up (I think it's to do with a growth spurt, more efficient drinking, and milk settling).

Even though I was being constantly reassured on online forums that it didn't sound like my baby was starving.

I was a little stressed, because I had only one (small) container of milk in the freezer and I had  a bbq lunch, two restaurant dinners, a wedding and reception to attend in three days.

I've been expressing twice a day for the past few days, and offering for the baby to feed as often/more often than I normally would, to try to get my supply up. I've also upped my calories to roughly 1700 a day.

Last night, I managed to express 100ml after missing a feed while I went out for dinner.

Tonight I managed to express 160ml from each side after missing two feeds while we went out for dinner.

I'm back in business, baby!!!

I plan to express roughly every second day so that I have the freedom to be able to bottle feed / leave the house / taker her out / have a drink as needed.

Consistency

I'm subscribed to a few different newsletters that provide updates on the milestones that my baby 'should' be hitting. So far, not so bad.

However, they're recommending that the baby be put to sleep between 7 and 8:30.

That all babies need consistency, and this is no exception.

But on Monday nights we have dinner at my parents house.

On Thursday nights, we have dinner at the husband's parents house.

On Tuesdays and Sundays, the husband has sports.

Do all babies really need this consistency and time?

They say that they should be sleeping 10 hours a night, and then five hours a day over three naps.

The baby would get almost 10 hours at night - she naps on and off between 6 and 12, then typically sleeps 12 - 6 and then 7 - 10.

She naps during the day, and she's usually happy enough.

I mean, I know that having a baby will impact my 'social' life. But....?

Dear Baby - Month #3

Dear baby,

Today, you are three months old. You're a quarter of the way through your first year - which is also sad because you're really three months closer towards the end of your life...

That Curious Case of Benjamin Button has a lot to answer for. I never wanted to watch that movie because I knew it would end sadly, but the husband put it on the other night when he couldn't find anything to watch. And of course I cried at the end. But then, he cried too. You've definitely kicked off something in us, something that makes us feel more, something that's lifted the veil off a lot of human emotion, suffering and sadness in others. Everything is so precious.

This is quite a morbid start to a letter to a baby!

Last night, the husband was commenting on how much of a person you are. You let us know when you want to be upright, when you want to be cuddled, when you want to stretch and kick. You also love to play games with your daddy, and it's quite a highlight for me - he makes the kissy noise that he usually makes to the birds, and he looms slowly and closer to the top of your head. You know he's going to plant a big sloppy kiss on your head and you smile so hard that you couldn't possibly smile any more - your mouth is wide open and you close your eyes and your lids linger down in anticipation, then *MUAH* - right on the head! You love it, and he loves it, and I love it.

If you're awake in the mornings at the time he gets up, he brings you in to bed. It's a testament to how much he loves you - he is the worst morning person in the world. But between the time he hears you babbling and the time it takes him to get the eight steps to your bassinet, he is delighted. He gasps and tells you how adorable you are, he chatters and hugs you, he pretends you're a plane as you 'land' on the bed. If you're awake when he leaves for work, he always asks for his morning smile before he heads off.

On the weekend a few weeks ago, he called me in to the loungeroom with a tone of excited urgency - "look at this!". You were laying in your bassinet, happily playing with the hanging toy we put in there to encourage you to sleep facing your right (you always sleep on your left ear). He hadn't seen you occupy yourself before. It's easy for me to forget how much of your development is slipping by, how much he is missing. But you're definitely taking things in - smiling at the sheep toy that hangs on the hood of your bassinet, starting to reach out for toys on your playmat or our hands, staring at the dog when she's trying to get to you to lick you, reaching at my clothes and pulling out a breastpad while you're feeding...

I always thought that I would be the 'good cop' parent, and he would be the 'bad cop', but at the moment that's definitely not the case. I'm sorry that it's 90% business with me. But this might change next month when I need to have an operation on my hand - I'm going to be in plaster and so your daddy will need to be home with us for a few weeks. I think he's going to be doing a lot of the work, so maybe I will be the gamesmaster!

You had a few nights of sleep that lasted 8-10 hours this month, and also a few nights where you returned to 3-4 hour stints. The last few nights have gone back to 7 hours of sleep, and that's much better. You're feeding every three hours during the day, and we don't have a consistent napping schedule. Or really any schedule other than sleeping well during the night! Whenever I have to head out and about, you're pretty good at sleeping in the carseat, and will more often than not sleep in the pram. You do like to sleep on me on the couch, which is nice, but means that I don't really get anything done. We're very lucky that the husband is so good at housework on the weekends, and happy to hold on to you when he's home from work or sport so that I can whip around and get dinner ready and do a few things.

We had our first mothers group this month as well - you rocked it! The physio used you as the demo baby when talking about tummy time, and we got a lot of comments on how good your head control is. I was also very relieved to know were on track with this, and also that your left-turn preference is nothing to worry about. Your Pa skyped us this week and commented on how good you were at keeping your big ol' head up too - not only are you getting more adorable, but stronger. You love to kick at us and to use your leg muscles to try to hold yourself up - now maybe we can get your rolling to be a little more consistent...

Dress shopping

Today I wrangled the pram into a change room while I tried on a dress for a wedding on Sunday. Not so easy.

The dress was kinda stretchy so I actually got it in my 'normal' size - hooray!

Aaaaaaaaand to celebrate, baby got a new dress too.

I gotta say, it was nice to set out two pretty outfits this afternoon.

That's a plus for having a daughter over having a son.

12 week challege - week two

I had my second weigh-in for my 12 week challenge today - I lost 1.8kg.

1.4 of that was in the first two days.

So, in the last week, I lost 400g.

This is actually the recommended amount for breast feeding mums, but after the giant loss of the first two days, I'd set my sights higher.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I retook some of my measurements.

They weren't that different.

I only exercised two days out of the five I was supposed to.

I need to focus on the fact that I am eating healthier. That I lost almost half a kilo. That I fit into old work pants. That I'm moving more than I have in two years. That things could be a lot worse.

Timing

Sadly, I attended a funeral today.

As both sets of parents are overseas, I didn't have much choice but to bring the baby along with me.

In typical style, she woke to be fed at 3, 8 and 930, so I slept again until 12 (what a life I lead!). After I slammed down some breakfast, fed and changed the baby, checked the nappy bag, defrosted some expressed milk just in case and worked out where I needed to drive, we got to the door just as the service was about to start. We were escorted down the aisle and sat about halfway down the length of the church, surrounded by people I didn't recognise.

It was a real celebration of the life he had led. One of the most light hearted and 'casual' funerals I had attended.

And just as the speeches finished and we moved in to the more 'serious' reading, baby woke up.

She squirmed, she grunted, she filled her nappy.

Loudly.

And twice more.

As a parent now, it took around two months for the husband and I to recognise the smell of dirty nappy.

It's unlikely, but I hope none of the people sitting around me were parents...

Not as far up

Week twelve weight on Thursday, baby has only put on 300 something grams since week ten.

While she's still in the 75th percentile, the nurse seemed a little concerned.

Then in a completely contradictory manner, she told me she was still putting on good weight.

She suggested we make sure that she has six feeds a day, and she has been - until the last two days.

Last week she cracked it four days in a row at around 3pm, usually two hours after her previous feed. It wasn't until the fourth day when I really persisted in trying to feed her through the tears (not easy) that she settled and had a massive feed and slept.

At the moment I'm doing my best to make sure she is really, really full before I put her to sleep. As a result she spent more than 220 minutes attached (yeah, we didn't get a lot done).

We're going back in for her 14 week check, so hopefully she back in the chubby-gainers club then.

Sleeps

We're settling in to a bit more of a routine.

The last three nights, the baby has slept between 8 and 10 hours. Of course, she rises out of her sleep cycles and makes noise that makes me think she's about to wake up, so I go so far as to turn on my 'baby in the bed' light or get her feeding mat out, but she's always gone back to sleep. One of those nights I fell asleep at the same time as her, so not a bad sleep (even if I woke up two or three times).

After her big sleep, we do a feed and she usually goes back to sleep for three hours (apart from the night she slept 1:30-10:00, I would have felt bad about making her sleep again!).

Then, on most days, after she feeds and plays and then starts to yawn, she can keep herself happy in her bassinet in the loungroom under the butterfly mobile, for roughly an hour (she usually falls asleep).

Then, she feeds every three hours during the day/night, almost to the minute.

I have to be realistic that this is only temporary - it might not even work this way from tomorrow. But it's nice to feel a little more in control - to look back at how hard it was when she just had no idea of any pattern. It makes the thought of having a second child all the more daunting.