Wednesday 29 February 2012

Regress

Monday night, the baby went to sleep around 9pm, woke at 2am and was quickly settled, then slept through until after 7am.

I actually felt tireder all day, perhaps my body was in shock from getting some fairly normal sleep.

Tuesday, she went down for a nap at lunchtime and slept for more than 2 hours. I was equal parts delighted that she might have learnt how to nap properly (ie, more than 45 minutes at a time) and stressed that her big sleep that morning combined with her nap meant she might be unwell.

After her second nap of the day was getting close to an hour and I needed her to come with me to pick up the car from the service shop, I woke her once her eyes were half open.

Bad move.

She was grizzly all evening, apart from when I played with her, in my arms, with my full attention.

As a result, she didn't eat much of her dinner. Though she chirped up a bit in the bath and was tired quickly after feeding.

But.

She woke at midnight. CRANKY. Even when I picked her up and bounced her and patted her and walked with her and changed her nappy and sung to her, she wouldn't stop crying - so I caved and fed her.

She woke again at 2am, needing her dummy to be put back in and a bit of shushing.

Again at 4am, same as above.

Again at 5am, this time with her dummy missing under the cot, and inconsolable. So I fed her And she bit me. And she started crying again when I quickly pulled her away from me. And while I went out to the kitchen to look for a dummy because I couldn't find her missing one.

My longest sleep of the night was between 5.30am and 8am, when she next woke.

I think it was a combination of being hungry (she had a full weetbix, half a jar of porridge and half a serve of steamed apple, and the last few days she'd only been having half a weetbix) and her new found talent of doing the worm while she's asleep and waking up sideways in the cot with her head jammed against the bars.

Baby - please - not tonight.

Tuesday 28 February 2012

Holiday time

Around the same time we were waiting to hear if the baby would be coming out of her harness, I got an email from the Entertainment Book offering us a 40% discount at two different resorts in Palm Cove. The husband and I had been talking about going on holiday for our 30th birthdays this year (eep!), but hadn't made any decisions either way.

By the time the baby came out of the harness and we decided we would go north, the sale for the resort we had been initally drawn to was over. But, a second look showed us that we could stay at the Mantra Amphora for an excellent rate.

We were initially thinking of going to New Zealand, but the roads are meant to start getting snowy in late April early, and we figured the baby coming out of the harness was a sign that she wanted to come somewhere warm and play in the pool (rather than spend hours each day in a carseat).

So we're going! 10 nights in sunny Palm Cove - I can't wait!

Monday 27 February 2012

Car trip

I got an IKEA voucher from two of my brothers and their partners for Christmas this year, so my parents, the baby and I all headed up to Sydney for the day to check out the new Tempe store.

I love IKEA!

I also love that the baby was so patient - she fed before we left, had a biscuit in the car, tried some lamington at goulbourn bakery,  and napped twice on the way up. She didn't really feed once we got there as she is not so awesome at concentrating on feeding when we aren't in the rocking chair in her room. She said patiently in the trolley for most of three hours as we wandered through the shop (time just flies in there!) but sat on the handlebar and napped on mum as we waited at the checkout.

After another attempt at a feed before we left, she was well behaved in the car (and put her best cute on at McDonalds) and only whinged for a few minutes until she pretty much passed out for an hour. I felt bad having to wake her to take her home, but considering how hard it must have been to be restrained in different seats all day, so close to all of us, she was really well behaved.

Mum and dad said the same, so it seems we do have quite a well behaved baby!

Sunday 26 February 2012

Bath time

We've been able to incorporate baths in to the babies bathtime routine a few times now - it's a lovely way for her to get clean and wind down. We sit by the side of the bath with arms at the ready, and she sits in an inch or so of water, splashing around and trying to reach for her toys to pick them up and suck on them.

The hardest part is getting her dry - she gets pretty slippery when she's wet, and we set towels up on the bathmat to dry her down there... I'm not sure how well it will work in winter as I'm not sure if we're meant to blast the IXL heater down on her?

I gotta say, it's more enjoyable for both us than when we would just wash her face on the changetable...

Saturday 25 February 2012

Niece!

The baby has a cousin!!

I'm so excited to be an aunty, and I can't wait to go in and meet her tomorrow morning - I've seen a picture and she is just adorable.

Now, how to be the favorite aunty?

Friday 24 February 2012

Aunties and Uncles

Right now, at this very moment, my sister in law is in labour!

Very exciting to meet our new baby niece/nephew, and the baby's first cousin, hopefully sooner rather than later...!!!

Thursday 23 February 2012

Roll it around

At 2:30 in the morning, less than 12 hours after she came out of the harness, the baby woke up cah-ranky.

I managed to settle her eventually, but she woke again at 2:30.

This time, she was laying on her belly in her cot, with her leg sticking through the bar of the cot.

After her morning nap, I ducked out to the loungeroom to grab the husbands iPad so that I could film going in to her room to see her wake up (quite often she is super smiley as soon as she wakes up) - I walked past the monitor and all I could see was her big old head....! I ran back to her room and saw she had rolled up towards the top of her cot, sideways, and was on her belly playing with the monitor cord.

Good to see she is catching up on her milestones!

Wednesday 22 February 2012

The final result

The baby is harness free.

Very exciting (although the husband is still a little wary).

I called the orthopedic surgeon at around 10.30 and was told they didn't have her scans just yet but they could see us for an appointment on 15 March. I think my level of distress was pretty clear over the phone when I explained she was 7.5 months old and had already been in the harness for more than 3 months and I didn't know what I should do with her - they got us an appointment at 3.30 that day.

The surgeon was great - he sat us down and ran through all of our results, clearly explaining for the initial ultrasound, our midway ultrasound and this x-ray what we were looking for, how they got each result and what it meant exactly. He drew the angles on to the results and it was the first time it really seemed to make sense for us.

He explained how the second ultrasound was showing a good improvement from the first (something that the pediatrician didn't explain, when he first told us it looked worse and then oh no, it was actually better), so it responded well to the treatment.

In a nutshell, the ultrasound is able to see the baby's 'bones' (they are all cartlidegy) and the x-ray can see only the bone that has formed from cartlidge (so we can't really compare the two). He explained how there hasn't been a lot of consistent research in to how best treat hip dysplasia - all the doctors seem to do their own thing and then look back retrospectively at what worked - I think this is basically all because you can't really tell what's going on in there. There is not much research in to it, and it's quite vague - there's no actual proof that doing more than the pavlic harness makes any difference (it could well sort itself out).

He explained how the nurses can find more cases than there 'actually' are when the look at the leg folds - it could well be fine by the time baby is two years old, even if she hadn't had the harness.

The plan is that she will have an x-ray at 12 months to see how she is tracking. If it is not looking great (as in the angles in her hips are not closer to what they want) then there will be another x-ray at 18 months. If that one is still not great, they will look in to bracing her at night for 6 months and rescan at 2 years of age. There is no proof that this night bracing works, but then at least we will have tried something before we are left with our last option - surgery. They would cut in to her pelvis and change the angle of it, as her problem is not to do with a dislocating hip, but rather how much of her leg her pelvis is able to capture.

There is nothing we can do between now and then.

I don't think I realised how much the harness was weighing on my mind for all this time, until it was off. I just instantly felt better for it.

I hope that this is the end of it all, but we just have to remember the last thing the doctor said to us - this is only a very mild case.

Tuesday 21 February 2012

More results

In the lift on the way to see the pediatrician today, the husband commented that he was sure she would need surgery and at least six months in plaster cast.

I wasn't sure what I thought was going to happen, but I had finally cried on the drive to the doctor. I'd felt it under the surface since we got the report, but it was only when I pictured her in the plaster cast, stuck, compared to the other babies her age that would be up and moving around, that I was getting upset.

We sat down with the doctor and he said he was happy for her to come out of the harness. We were a bit shocked/confused/unsure.

He told us that he wasn't happy with the report (it should have had a recommendation on it), so he called the person who analysed the x-ray and also an orthopedic surgeon who has an interest in pediatrics. The scanner person said they weren't able to compare the x-ray to the previous scans as they weren't done at the same place. Our doctor believes the scanner was too caught up in the numbers - as she was born with an abnormal hip, they shouldn't expect her results to be normal. He says that a score of 30-32 is fine, the main thing is that she should be down at 24 by the time she is 2 years old.

He said that the orthopedic surgeon couldn't access the reports on his computer but from having the report read over the phone to him, it sounded good and he thought she could have the harness taken off. The surgeon was in Sydney for the day, but will call us for an appointment, hopefully this week.

He said that we could take the harness off, but it was up to us - that it might be worth keeping it on just in case, as it could be hard to get the harness back on her once she's had it off for a while. He believes that the recommendation will be for it to be taken off and just to have x-rays to monitor the progress as we go.

He said that they used to put the babies in to a night brace, but that it's not really done anymore. I'm not sure why or why not.

We also have a referral for a pediatric orthopedic surgeon in Sydney, if we like.

I guess we'll see how the next appointment goes as to whether or not we call them - the husband sent me an article to read on the surgery, just in case.

I don't know what I think.

I want her to be fine. I want her to not be strapped down. I want her to be able to move. I want her to develop just like all the other kids.

I don't want her to be operated on. I don't want her stuck in plaster till she is 13 months old, or more.

But I don't want her to have to go through surgery when she is older. I don't want to find out that we should have operated if we haven't.

Monday 20 February 2012

X-ray

The baby had her xray today - it took less than a minute.

We were taken in, got her down to her nappy, and the husband held her legs still while they took a practice shot of her pelvis, and then the real one.

I didn't even get to see the preview on the screen and when I asked if they'd be able to tell anything, the only comment I got was that we'd have to wait until the report was ready. That said, the (young male) assistant was lovely, smiling and waving at her, and he gave her a 'I'm a good girl' sticker once she was done.

I went back at 4pm to pick up the film and the report.

"There is bilateral acetabular dysplasia, the acetabular angle on the right measuring 34 degrees and in the left 32 degrees. The femoral heads are enlocated and the femoral capital epiphyses are ossified and symmetrical."

It sounded bad, then good.

From my googling, and the husband's googling, it's bad. In that it seems that she has problems with both sides of her hip, not just the one side - whether this means it has gotten worse, or just that they couldn't tell that earlier, who knows. The angles should be at 30 at the highest.

The appointment with the pediatrician is tomorrow morning.

I don't know what I feel about it all.

Sunday 19 February 2012

Bumps

There are times when I think back to what it was like when I first started all this with the baby - this post in particular -  and I would think 'oh, how little I knew back then - she's so delightful and amazing!'.

You guys, the baby was totally being a little bit of a b*tch today.

And I know it's wrong of me to say that.
I know that she doesn't know how to express herself.
I know that she doesn't know how she even feels or why or what it is or if it's good or bad.
I know she's just a baby.

I think she's teething - I'm pretty sure there are bumps in her lower jaw. One on each side of the two bottom middle teeth she does have, but they're like the second ones out... if they are coming through, there will be gaps between her teeth.

She bit me again yesterday, and again today. I wonder if she can pick up the stress I'm feeling when I'm trying to feed her and terrified of getting bitten, because she's not feeding much. She only fed at 6am, 12pm and then 8pm tonight. Every other time she'd attach, then pull off almost straight away, straining to get away from me.

She's been whinging all day, no matter what we do.

She's pushing food away. She's pulling her dummy out. She's waking up crying, and it's furious crying that will only stop when you hold her. She's crying if you aren't holding her. She's not eating much of her solids. She thrashes around when I try to feed her in the chair in her room and she cries a lot when we put her in her cot. She would only be napping for half an hour at a time. She is moving back and forth a lot more, getting ready to move... perhaps she is frustrated with this too?

She woke up at 3 and 330 last night, and I nearly fell asleep in the rocking chair - she just wanted to be held. She did. not. want. to be in her cot. I was talking to her, not in my nighttime voice, but my normal voice, telling her it was enough. I clapped so that the noise would interupt her.  I flicked on her lamp to see if I could see anything wrong with her.

She had been like that all yesterday too. I tried for 45 minutes to get her to nap, and in the end only succeeded when she fell asleep on me on the spare bed and I was able to roll her on to her back on the bed and stay frozen, so that she'd think she was still on me when it was me on her.

I know that between 7 and 9 months the baby learns that it is it's own person, and that means they can be left, so that makes them clingy. But it's not like she's happy when she's with me - she is just unhappy. All the time.

I hope tomorrow is a good day. She's finally getting her xray to see if her hips are fixed and I was so sure that she'll be fine but now I just don't know. Perhaps she's preparing me for a terrible day.

Saturday 18 February 2012

Hands

While it's amazing to see all the little developmental milestones that the baby goes through, they're not all 'awesome'.

She's gotten really good at batting your hands away when she's unhappy - no, she doesn't want her dummy. No, she doesn't want to eat cheese. No, she doesn't want you to look in her mouth to see if there are teeth. NO, she ALREADY SAID she DIDN'T want her dummy.

Urgh....

Friday 17 February 2012

Biting

It's started.

I've been bitten while feeding three times today. Two of them made me cry out involuntarily, which made her cry.

I think we'll be starting a transition to formula. I can't put up with that pain (I have a LOT of problems getting tickets out in the carpark at the local shopping centre because I get electric shocked so often!) - plus it's going to  make me stressed and tense while we feed, which isn't going to be good for either of us.

We've had her try formula twice in the past, and she wouldn't take it.

I think it's time to try harder...

Thursday 16 February 2012

Hair

The baby wasn't born with a lot of hair (despite the old wives tale of pregnancy heartburn = hairy baby and the way I chewed through those Tums all night long) - just a fine dusting of little hairs all over her head.

She's had all hair colours, moving through stages - what little hair she had was quite blonde at first, then it turned darker and grew in to a little mullet. Then it turned a little ginger and the mullet seemingly rubbed off.

Depending on the light, it looks to be all three - most of the time, to me, it looks like a mousy blond. I noticed a little tuft right on the crown of her head this morning, and it looks blonde. But close to her head, it seems brown. And in the sunlight, traces of ginger still.

Over the last month or so, it has really started to thicken out (in comparison to her virtually invisible initial hair, that is). It's growing thicker on the top than the sides, in a big thick line down the top of her head - sort of like a mini Ruby Rose:

How awesome would that be ;o)

Wednesday 15 February 2012

Dinner Date

Last night, my almost-sister-in-law offered to babysit so that the husband and I could go out to dinner for Valentine's day.

It was the first time in at least 7.5 months that we went out to dinner together / alone.

At first, it felt very odd to be in the car with the husband but not with the baby. It was odd to be talking and not have whatever it is she is doing buzzing along in the back of my head (of course, I did spend most of the night wondering what she was up to and I may have sent off a text just to check!). But it was lovely - we had dinner, we wandered through Kmart and we went to see a movie.

It was also only the fifth time that we went out at night without her - we've been to a wedding, a 30th dinner, a movie and a dinner for one of the husband's sports teams.

It was funny - although it's such a cliche, I did feel like a little piece of me is missing. If she's not in my arms, she's usually in my sights. It's just me and her a lot of the time, and so I am used to being aware of what she is doing. It's like I'm a computer with a 'baby' task always running in the background.

From all reports, she was pretty well behaved. She had a jar of food for dinner, did a big sloppy poo, grappled with wanting a drink but not liking the taste of formula, and then a bit of whinging. When we got home it was nice to be able to just duck in and see her sleeping peacefully.

I guess I should also try to do it a bit more, so that she doesn't get used to having me there almost all the time (and it would probably be good for the husband and I to have that time together too!).

Tuesday 14 February 2012

'No'

I got an email from one of the many baby websites I'm subscribed to - it's another one that updates you on your baby's progress from week to week. Apparently, for 7 months + 2 weeks:

By now, you may have already told your baby that the telephone is not a toy, or that rattles are not for throwing, or that his sister's hair is not for pulling. At this age your baby may begin testing your authority by refusing to follow your simple directions. He's not being disobedient or wilful – just curious.

Keep in mind that he also simply can't remember things you tell him for more than a couple of seconds at a time. The best tactic is to use a simple "no" and then distract him.

Similar to this post the other week - how?!

I think that perhaps what I can't get my head around is the whole concept of learning a language. In my head, they need to be shown a thing, have it pointed at, and the name said a bunch of times so that they know what it means.

And obviously, you can't show them a 'no' or a 'sad' or a 'love'.

On the same theme, my dad sent us a link to an article that babies aged six to nine months understand the meaning on many words, with a big leap at the fourteen month mark.

I guess I better up my talking and pointing!

Monday 13 February 2012

Cross it all

In my heart of hearts, I'm pretty sure it's linked to the overtired and bathed baby that we put down yesterday, but she slept from 7.30pm until 4:45am, no wake ups.

If only I had gone to sleep at around 10pm....!

I'm keeping everything crossed though, that there might be the tiiiiiiiiiniest chance she's clued on to what happens....

Sunday 12 February 2012

Tantrums

The baby and I were out with my parents today, from 10am until close to 3pm. This meant that her only two sleeps were in the car - she wouldn't go back to sleep when we got home and I put her in her cot.

At around 5.30 I managed to 'trick' her in to a nap, by putting her on my belly and patting her butt while we watched tv, but she didn't even have a full 45 minutes.

Then she was craaaaaaaaanky. She was overtired and hungry and just generally disgruntled, and we got an idea of what she will be like as a toddler - she was sitting in her highchair, making a cranky crying noise. The husband and I tried to give her some salmon, and she just turned her head and yelled. We tried to give her her water in her cup (she showed me on Thursday that she can pick up her own sippy cup and drink water) but she would have a mouthful, have a cough and then throw it at the floor (just missing our chihuahua!). The husband cut up some toast, she scopped it towards her and threw half of it straight on the floor.

We managed to subdue her with hugs and a bath (her first in 2.5 weeks, you won't believe how much I want this harness to come off next week) (also, she put her head in the water and did a scary splash around - I felt TERRIBLE) and she was almost a new baby after that.

But as I was sitting there, just not sure how to progress with her, I realised that she's likely to have me under the thumb when she's doing this 'for real' in a year or two.

I must do some reading on the best way to handle this in the future!

Saturday 11 February 2012

No beginnings

Needles to say, we haven't entered some amazing new world of awesome sleep.

Thursday night she woke up at 130, 215, 330, 515 and 800 (then the husband took her out and I got an extra two hours of sleep).

Last night she woke up at 2am,  330 and 545. Then it took me an hour to get back to sleep and then she woke at 815 and 930.

..... maybe tonight? *sigh*

Friday 10 February 2012

Trolley

My baby sits upright like a toddler in the shopping trolley now - I decided that seeing as she demonstrated her awesome neck skills by straining her big head and glaring at me the the whole last time I had her in one of the lay-down baby trolley seats, it was only fair to give her a go at the big kids game.

Unfortunately, it makes me hunch over and stare in her face while I'm shopping, and run down the aisles making speeding car noises (which she won't even realise is 'fun' because it's not like she found sitting there tedious in the first place).

Thursday 9 February 2012

New beginnings?

After another night of waking every two hours, I declared yesterday that I would be turning the baby monitor off that night. Enough was enough. 7 months is long enough to be sleeping through.

Of course, I wasn't sure if I could actually do it. When it's the middle of the night and the baby is crying actual tears, when she is distraught and you just want to get back to sleep, when you know your husband can probably hear her and he has to get up in a few hours to get ready for a long day at work - feeding is an easy solution.

But, I had to remember just how crappy I've been feeling. I'm slooooooow to start the day, so I bring the baby in to bed and we just lay about - that's not benefiting her in any way. If I'm tired, I'm less likely to get out and do something constructive - like go to mothers group, or walk the dogs, or get brush my teeth of my hair. I spend the day in a bit of a haze and I feel like crap and I eat like crap - I'm still below pre-baby weight but I've put on 3.5kg that I lost late last year.

After a giant dinner (a big jar of baby food, a piece of toast, a tub of broccoli, a stick of cheese and two rice cracker mum-mums) and a giant feed, baby went to bed at around 7.30. The husband was tiiiiiiired, so he went to be at 9.30, and I was in bed by 10.30.

At 12.30, baby woke up to the point where I could hear her without the monitor.

She's pretty cluey - the crying slowed a bit when I went in the room, and stopped once I picked her up. She settled in to my hug and butt pats, but kicked it back up again when I tried to put her down after a minute. I picked her up again and sat down with her in the rocker, where she tried a few times to suck at my collar bone - that was the hard part (I'm pretty sure that's universal baby language for 'feed me').

We hugged and she got her butt patted and I sang to her a bit and after 15 minutes, she was calmer.

Until I put her down again.

But then I found the dummy and all was right in the world.

She woke up around 3am I think - I could hear her, but it wasn't anything much.
I woke up around 4am - I think this was because I've grown accustomed to frequent wakeups.
She woke up at 5.15, crying, and I figured it was fine to feed her then (10 hour gap! Yahoo!).

After finally getting back to sleep at 6 (she had a big feed and I was wired with excitement that we'd gone so long between feeds), I woke up at 830, to her chatter (and pooping noises) through the monitor - the husband must have flicked it on before he left for work.

I am hoping this is the beginning of sleeping through.

I am hoping these are not famous last words.

Wednesday 8 February 2012

Dumbo tears

I was reading a short article the other day, written by a mother who was listing the scary or sad scenes in Disney movies that she wouldn't be letting her daughter see.

The article contained a screengrab from the movie Dumbo, just the little elephant looking up with a tear in his eye. Just from that image, I felt a heaviness. I knew it was sad, but I couldn't remember what happened. So I watched it (you can see it here).

It totally got me.

It's crazy to think about how having a baby can change so many different things in so many different ways. I know I  probably always would have got upset at watching it (I'm a little bit oversensitive), but this hit me on a different level.

The mother being separated from the baby. For defending her baby, who was being bullied. She's unable to see him or help him or be with him. They reach out with longing.

Yeah, it's just a stupid cartoon.

But my baby looks at me with that innocence and that devotion. My baby closes her eyes like that when I pat her head. My baby intertwines her limbs with mine in a way and with a closeness that only comes from us being part of the same. In the past year, my body grew something amazing from the smallest of the smallest of things. I can feel that tangible ribbon that binds us together for life.

Tuesday 7 February 2012

Dear Baby - Month #7

Dear baby,

Happy 7 months of being a family!

Everyone who sees you know comments on how much more alert you are - how much you are taking things in, looking around, interacting. I say this all the time, but you're becoming more 'person'.

Each month is a 'better' month with you - the more time we spend together, the more we get to know each other, and the more we enjoy our time together. That's not to say this month hasn't been hard - it's been many, many, many nights of you waking every hour or few. I don't know what this is about... I spent a month trying to just put you back to sleep, but you'd keep waking. Then I started feeding you when you wake, but you're really only having a small feed and then going back to sleep (just to wake a few hours later). Last night, I decided to give you your first feed but then try to settle you after that, but you sucked at my collarbone and cried so I gave him. I don't know what to do, but I do think if you understood how our days could be even better if I was fully rested and not just bumbling my way through the day, you would probably be a little kinder to your poor old mum and then go back to sleep. I keep hoping you'll just randomly start sleeping through, but that seems less and less likely.

This month you also seemed to up your clinginess. We thought you had teeth coming through again, as I swear I can feel something in your top gum, but we can't see anything. And there have been a few occasions where the only thing that will stop you from crying is to be in my arms - even poor old dad can't get you to calm down. We've had a few afternoons at home where you've started to make a sad little noise that can't be fixed by feeding you (milk or solids), and you don't want to nap in your cot, but you lay your big old head down and settle on me while I pat your butt on the couch. It's kind of sweet that you just want a hug, and it is nice to 'have' to just sit and watch tv while we do this.

We've been going well with the nightime routine that we set up for you in this last month - you have your dinner and then I try to keep you upright a bit for a play and a burp if you need it. Sometime between 7 and 8 we take you in to your room, close the curtains and flick on the lamp. You get your face and hands washed, nappy changed, put in to your pyjamas and then after one 'last' feed, you sit on my lap with your dummy and we read a book before you go to bed. You're getting better at putting yourself to sleep without a fuss, and it is kind of nice to know that once you're down I have some 'free' time to finish tidying and to get dinner ready.

You're getting so much better with your hands. When I sit you up on the bed, you can reach out for toys. You reach for zippers and hair and jewellery with much more accuracy. I had you on my lap yesterday and I was placing a toy cube on my shoulder and you would just reach out and get it. You pull the mice out of their toy cheese when you feel like it, and you now lean forward in your rocker to get the toys - a first! You've also started reaching out for the book as we read at night - I need to stay vigilant to ensure you don't wreck any of the lovely books we've been gifted.

I'm looking forward to the next month. I'm trying not to think about the fact that you'll be 8 months, which is almost 9 months, which is so close to a year... and then I'll go back to work. I don't know what days/times I'll be working, or how it will all go. I have your name down in a daycare down the street which daddy and I liked, but it doesn't seem that likely that you will get it. Your Pa has offered to look after you, your dad plans to keep working his week in four days so he has a day with you, and you'll get to spend a day with your aunty and your soon to be cousin (and a day with your cousin with your daddy or I!). So that will be one day with me and one day with daycare, or two days with me, or two days with daycare... or who knows. You'll realise when you're older how much faith I seem to have in things 'just working out', so I'm trying not to worry about it. But, we have come so far, to think about how much I felt I needed to be at work in those early days, and now, I don't know how or what I feel.

Hopefully, this is the month when your brace comes off. I'm both looking forward to and dreading the new hugs we will have - when your legs are no longer forced to wrap around me. This could be the month when you roll. When you start to shuffle. When you're more toddler to me. Maybe you'll say your first word?

Thank you for your gentle pats.  For your toothy grins and for your laughs at silly little things. For those moments when you look at something and then look at me, as if you're asking me what it is or making sure that I was paying attention. For each little movement, each calculated and intentional grasp. For letting be your mummy to you.

I love you, baby girl.

Monday 6 February 2012

Daddies are for wild things

Saturday night, I hit the town for one of my best friends birthdays.

I'd been looking forward to this night since I got the invite and I gave the husband plenty of notice that I was going out out. Not like the other things I have been to since the grand arrival, where you go out and then you spend all the time checking your phone for updates and then make you make your excuses and go home. I wanted to go out out.

Of course, these things are harder to manage now.

The party started at 7, which is when baby goes to bed. So the husband couldn't really drop me off. And then, of course, he couldn't really pick me up in the middle of the night when I wanted to come home.

I bought some formula a few weeks ago after speaking to one of the MACH nurses. I knew we were down to just one bottle of expressed milk in the freezer, and the feeling of not being so achy-full of milk is actually quite pleasant. And she explained that seeing as the baby is eating all sorts of things now, drinking formula (which is designed for babies to drink) wasn't a big deal -particularly as I wasn't looking to give it to her every day (which would decrease my supply). I've been trying to get the husband to give it to the baby, to see how she goes - but I can tell he's against it. If I try to give it to her, I know she won't take it - she's clued in to my milk-stank so it will be a no go. And I know if I'm around while he tries to give it to her, the two of them are likely to give in.

I can understand - I'm pretty 'lucky' in that I carry around on me a pretty much magic cure for anything wrong with her. If we can't work it out, I can whip them out. Between those and my seven-months-of-baby patience, I'm pretty well set up to deal with it. But the husband doesn't have them or that. He spends a lot of time with her when he's not at work, and it's so lovely to see. But, as the book she got him for Christmas is titled, Daddies are for Wild Things. They're aren't necessarily as well placed to deal with everything.

This is not even where I thought this post would go...!

Long story short, I offered to stay home but the husband gave me the night off. The baby was crying a cry we hadn't heard before, but I gave her some panadol and she gave up a massive burp, and I found out via text that she went straight to sleep pretty much after that.

I had a great night out. It had been over a year since I've been able to just let my hair down and just focus on my friends (until midnight, when I realised it was getting ever closer to that 1am wakeup that I should probably be home for because I didn't know how the husband was planning to deal with it). And I was actually told by a friend how good it was to see me like that, because she knew it's been a while since I've had it.

And I'm so lucky to have parents who picked up my car for me, and good friends who dropped me home!

Sunday 5 February 2012

Turning

This afternoon, I was trying to trick the baby in to having a nap with me - I was tired, she was but she was in denial.

I lay her on the bed and held her teething ring up in front of her. As I turned it, the bubbles would float through the little sections from the bottom to the top. Then I'd tip it upside down and they'd do it again.

After a while, she was reaching out to grab on (as she does) so I passed it to her.

And then she turned it upside down. And then she turned it again. And again.

I tell you - this whole baby-turning-in-to-a-person thing is crazy amazing to watch.

Saturday 4 February 2012

Baby school

I wonder at what age a baby can start to learn 'no' and 'gentle'?

Baby has always been an arm flapper, but she's getting better with her hands. She's reaching for things and grabbing for things - she grabs out at our noses and mouths, and grabs the husbands hair when he raspberries her belly.

I am trying to teach her to be gentle for this sort of stuff, but how? We did puppy school with our dogs, so I have an idea with them, but I have the feeling this might be just a little different....!

Friday 3 February 2012

Sleep

The lack of decent sleep is starting to get to me.

A few nights ago, baby went to sleep just before 8pm, after 45 minutes of on-and-off calling out and resettling. I got to sleep just before 12, and she woke up at 1.30am. And 2.30am. and 3am. It was a colder night and she wouldn't get to sleep until she'd kicked her legs out of her blankets. And as soon as I'd get back out of bed and tuck her in, she'd put her legs straight in the air and would. not. keep. them. down.

I was this close to yelling at my baby for the first time. KEEP YOUR LEGS DOWN!.

I fed her at three because I just. couldn't. imagine. getting out of bed again that night. I had to stop myself from crying as I fed her, for fear of how totally tragic and pathetic that was - sitting in the dark in the middle of the night, sobbing quietly on my baby. All she was doing was all that she knew how to do - it's fun to kick your legs up.

Then she woke up at 6am and I fed her again. And 6.30, when the husband put her in our bed. And 7.30. And 9 (after taking another half hour to get to sleep).

I hope the leg thing stops when the brace comes off (hopefully just three more weeks, people!) - I think the way the harness sits means that she can only straighten them straight up while she's on her back. And perhaps when it's off, she'll roll more and she'll get tireder?

Either way, I've formalised with the husband that I will deal with her on Friday mornings so he can get a sleep in, and he will do the same for me on Saturday's. I hope this will help.

Thursday 2 February 2012

Imprint

I read this article the other day and kept it in my browser to reference:

During pregnancy, the mother and fetus exchange cells and some of those cells can live on forever in the two bodies after the child is born. 
During pregnancy, cells sneak across the placenta in both directions. The fetus's cells enter his mother, and the mother's cells enter the fetus. A baby's cells are detectable in his mother's bloodstream as early as four weeks after conception, and a mother's cells are detectable in her fetus by week 13. In the first trimester, one out of every fifty thousand cells in her body are from her baby-to-be (this is how some noninvasive prenatal tests check for genetic disorders). In the second and third trimesters, the count is up to one out of every thousand maternal cells. At the end of the pregnancy, up to 6 percent of the DNA in a pregnant woman's blood plasma comes from the fetus. After birth, the mother's fetal cell count plummets, but some stick around for the long haul. Those lingerers create their own lineages. Imagine colonies in the motherland.
Moms usually tolerate the invasion. This is why skin, organ, and bone marrow transplants between mother and child have a much higher success rate than between father and child.

Whoa.
I commented to the husband the other day (before I read this) how I see me in her. How when I look at her, I feel like I am looking at me. I don't think it's because she looks like me when I was younger (because how would I recognise that? I was me, not someone observing me), but there is just this pull that seems more than 'oh yeah, I made her' - she is in front of me, and inside of me.

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Wonder weeks

An online friend has posted this chart a few times, and it's a great reference:


'Wonder weeks' are rough periods of time when babies go through developmental leaps - all this thinking and learning makes them fussy (apparently, they even sleep less as there is just so much going on in their heads they can't relax). Then, once they're done 'leaping', they fall back in to their 'usual' lovely sunny demeanor.

The fact that the baby is now at roughly 30 weeks might explain why there is a lot of crying and arm flapping going on in our house at the moment...