Angry

I've had a few comments from a few people that I'm angry or grumpy a lot more often than I used to be.

I don't know what to do about it.

I've never been very good at being alone. And I know I'm not alone (and I definitely feel a lot less alone than I did a few months ago!), but I do spend a lot of time that is not in the company of other adults. And when I do, I'm usually trying to get stuff done as quickly as possible to maximise the time where I'm not feeding her, or  where she's not crying, or not needing to be changed/burped, carried and bounced. So I'm probably bossy.

And I'm probably more flippant about having a baby than I really am deep in my heart. I find it easy to play up being the reluctant mother, perhaps too easy?

And I do get less sleep now. And the sleep that I do get is broken. It's been well over a year since I've had the recommended eight hour sleep that you're meant to get. And what impact does that have on moods? Seemingly, stress, anger, exhaustion, irratability, and short temper.

And in all honesty, I do find being vomited on to be a really unpleasant thing. Perhaps more unpleasant than most of the people I know. So if you catch me just after I've been spewed on, there's a chancee I'm going to be a bit put out. Never mind if I've had to deal with having to tackle an endless amount of dishes. Or found something else that the dogs have chewed on or having to put up with them running through the house or having a serious dog fight over a piece of carrot. Or being surrounded by mess and clothes that need to be washed a floor covered in dog hair and bird seed and not being able to get to cleaning it up. Or hearing about stuff that's happening at work that I could have helped with or that shows other opportunities I've missed. Or feeling like I have nothing to contribute to adult conversations or nothing in common with my friends or becoming that person that only talks about her baby. Or stressing about whether the baby is feeding enough or eating the right things or pooping enough or if her rash is something to worry about or what is going to happen with her hips.

And I often have periods with a crying baby that can't tell me what she wants and she has learnt a sad new whimper and doesn't like being left to her own devices.

I don't know.

I know that people say that you can't control what other people think. But where is the line that other people's observations are telling you the things that you should actually be worried about?  I don't want angry me to be the only me.