Comprehension

There are so many internal complexities that come with having a baby that no one else can comprehend.

I know what it's like to be someone without a baby and to see that sort of stuff and scoff. And to see these types of people try to explain it, or not even try to explain it, and not be able to and then just leave it at that.

I know what it's like to hear people talk about how they can't do simple things because of their baby. And  the internal monologue questioning why they can't just suck it up or deal with it.

I do find myself bouncing between these two extremes - there are times when I feel too absorbed in 'parentdom', it's like I catch myself and then swing too far the other way.

It's like I spend most of my days doing a lot and also nothing. And my internal monologue turns between congratulating myself and berating myself.

I can feel like I've accomplished so much, but that can also appear as so little.

On the one hand, I carried this growing child inside me. I grew her and then I welcomed her and then I've spent my waking moments, and my blurry, dazed, semi-wake moments, and many dreaming moments, with my whole self orbiting around her and her world.

And then, on the other, I just spend my days sitting in various places, doing simple or repetitive or time wasting things.

I speak to not many people, but I also talk to many. We talk about nothing much, but sometimes that nothing is my everything and my only thing.

I have more free time than ever, but I don't know that I'll ever have any 'free time' again. I could be using it to be doing so much, couldn't I? Shouldn't I? Would I?

There are days where I 'get it easy', but each of those days is made up of so many tasks. And I can't work out if I would have been doing them anyway if the baby wasn't here. Or if that's a bigger deal now that she's here, or if it's not a deal at all.

And if I can't quantify what I do, how can feel like I do so much, or nothing much?

What is the rest of this time going to be like?

Am I going to be like I was before? Can I? Is that better or worse or just the way it is?

It's my little bundle of burden, wrapped around my beautiful bundle of joy.