Out we go

Last night I went to a friends 31st birthday drinks. It was about 20 minutes away, but I was just over an hour late, after feeding the baby and the husband and myself and the dogs and helping the husband get her off to bed.

As I was getting in to the car I was thinking about how annoying it must be for other people to have me be late for stuff like this, because there's steps and a process for putting her to bed. But then, I thought about how much more annoying it could be if I just didn't go to 'night' stuff at all because of the baby, so really I guess I'm ahead.

The other thing that held me up was finding something to wear.

I have a constant, ongoing struggle with the whole post-baby body thing. There are so many competing interests...

I'm 3kg more than I was at my lightest after the 12 week challenge last year. So I know I can be lighter. But I worry that if I cut my intake too quickly/harshly, I'm going to affect the quality and the quantity of milk for the baby - now that she's down to 3-4 feeds a day, I don't even know if it is more important or less important, as I can't really see how much she is drinking.

When I do cut it back, I get hungry. And it gets me thinking that I'm not eating enough to not affect the milk.

Typically, I get 2 x 4 hour stints a night, with a half hour of settling and/or feeding once or twice. Though last night I got 2.5 hours plus 2 hours + 1.5 hours + 45 minutes. Broken sleep isn't real sleep, so I get tired. And so I seek out fuel, which means I am more likley to eat crap. I could have a carrot or I could have a piece of toast - I know which is going to fuel me more. And comfort me more.

It's not all fat either. My arms aren't looking as terrible as they normally would at this weight. I have boob weight (yay?) which is always changing, depending on the number of feeds and times and the time of day. My weight has always shown in my belly. But looking at it (and I hate looking at it), I can't tell how much is fat, how much is stretched out skin, how much is loose muscle... how much is fixable, how much is not. How and when can I fix it?

I know that having a baby takes a pretty big physical toll on your body. I mean, you grow something (and a pretty complicated something at that!) from pretty much nothing. I'm no good at maths, but it's many multiplications of weight and size to grow from an egg in to a fully functioning, actual baby. It takes up room and nutrients and all sorts of hormones. My body works to produce more somethings from nothings in order to feed her to help her grow. Hormonally, all sorts of wacky stuff still carries on (shall we tear up at the slightest hint of someone being sweet? Shall we make our hair greasy and dry at the same time? Shall we find ourselves almost physically unable to watch the slightest hint of violence?). It's to be expected that things aren't what they used to be - there's a reason there is a recognisable silhouette of a mother, and there's a reason I am know starting to fit in to that.

I think that's why I prefer going out with the baby with me - at least then, people are likely  to be a little less judgy about the tigerslug skin wallet I'm packing on my belly.